I am a fatberg through and through,

Capricious, snout-fair, blonde:

I’m thick with grease, and peddle you

Pure lies. Do not respond:

I’m clogging up the nation’s gizzard,

A sillytonian, piggy wizard.


I am a fatberg, made of pudge

And silting up your sewers:

A rouker filled with stodge and fudge,

And I tell you this, dear viewers –

I am a rouzy-bouzy chap,

And full of most melodious crap.


I am a fatberg. Reams of gunk

Have poured across my tongue –

I’m full of fresh, quacksalver spunk,

Of hard and off-white dung –

Believe it when I shift my lips,

And out the fatberg fibber tips.


I am a fatberg. See my girth,

And watch me peacockize:

There isn’t anyone on Earth

So blithe when telling lies.

Accept my Latin quips for free,

And drown inside my sea of ghee.



Click here for a Guardian article


Click here for a Standard article


Click here for a Mirror article



17 September 2017

Boris Johnson has repeated the campaign pledge that Brexit will bring £350 million a week for the NHS. A huge agglomeration of fat, the weight of 11 double-decker buses, is blocking a London sewer, under Whitechapel Road (a museum has offered to display part of it). A University of York linguist has produced a list of 30 forgotten words that might be returned to the language; they include snout-fair, sillytonian, rouker, peacockize, rouzy-bouzy and quacksalver.


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