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I am not a pussycat, and I am not a quitter:

You can stroke me round the clock, and I will never purr.

You can see me wag my tail, and never change my litter –

But I will not identify what lies beneath this fur.


I am not a puppy-dog and I refuse to yap:

You can pat me endlessly, but never need to feed me.

You can sit me anywhere – the floor, or on your lap –

But I refuse to answer if you ask if you can breed me.


I’m fluffy and adorable, but I possess no head:

Brainless is as brainless does, my motto, since you ask.

Although my tail is active, from the bottom up I’m dead –

I cannot shake your paw: that is too difficult a task.


Around me there are other wags, incapable of thought,

A gang of plump insouciants, collectively ‘a farce’.

So no, I’m not a creature, though I may be cheaply bought –

Beneath my jolly tail I am a very stupid arse.




Click here for a Guardian article.


Click here to learn about the Qoobo and its competitors.





During her China visit, Theresa May remarked “I have never tried to compare myself to any animal, or bird or car or whatever sort of comparisons that sometimes people use.” The Times reminded its readers of the Qoobo, a headless robot, designed to help the elderly (or the lazy) who like stroking it and watching its tail move.

31 January 2018


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