the weekly

Every Little Helps

Please take your kit off for Christmas,
And make all your relatives merry,
It's just what you need for your fitness –
Be careful when placing your berry.

A mistletoe kiss? Are you crackers?
Charades? Or some seasonal Twister?
No, let's hear you click your maracas,
And gawp at your lovely young sister.

The turkey's been scoffed. You are restive.
The pudding's been given a drubbing.
So let's see some action more festive –
Come on, Grandma: time to go clubbing.

Prince Charles and Prince Philip's vanilla
Ice cream's eaten. Time for a quarrel?
No, let's hear it for Liz and Camilla
As they bump and they grind round Balmoral.

Aunts dance for uncles and cousins –
If it's hot, then they might dance al fresco -
But they'll pole it this Christmas in dozens,
In hundreds, perhaps. Thank you, Tesco.

Every Little Helps
Tesco has agreed, under pressure, to remove a home pole-dancing kit from its Toys And Games section. It remains in the Fitness section. “Pole dancing attracts people who want to improve their fitness and have fun at the same time,” said Tesco. The kit includes a pole, a frilly garter, a DVD, and some toy money ('Peekaboo Dance Dollars').
24 October 2006


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