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Liz and Wayne

Ever since my coronation

When I was a dim young thug,

I have carved a reputation

As a type that’s slightly smug:

No matter what I’m often called,

No matter that my crown is bald.


Each graffito that they daub,

Calling former heads adepter,

I say, Mind my jewelled orbs,

Mind my very famous sceptre –

There’s no goalie I won’t dive at,

While I keep my true thoughts private.




Looking at one’s former goal,

One feels, I think, that one’s adored

Because one knows the national soul,

At home, but also, far abroad,

Scoring every once a while

(Keep them waiting, that’s one’s style).


One has vowed to serve. United.

Never mind the posh regalia.

Wham bang thank you ma’am. Delighted.

The other players are the failure.

One’s managers are rarely ribald

When they see how well one’s dribbled.


Click here for a BBC football report


Click here for a BBC royal report





Liz and Wayne

Wayne Rooney is now England’s highest ever national scorer at football. Within twenty-four hours, Queen Elizabeth Windsor broke the record for sitting monarchs.

9 September 2015


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