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Sweet FIFA

Sepp Blatter lived deep in a bubble,

And when the wee bubble was pricked,

Said Sepp ‘It’s no bother, no trouble,

That’s one on my bucket list ticked:


‘Of course the whole thing’s a non-starter.

I’ve fixed it. It’s one non-event.

It allows me to act like a martyr,

Like the man who could come if he went.


‘Still, I’ve always enjoyed being fired.

It means that your boss loves you more –

A minority means you’re desired.

Better to lose than score-draw.


‘I know that our actions aren’t cricket –

Or I’m sure I’d have just lost my job.

Morality’s my winning ticket –

It’s lucky I have a big gob.


‘And this is a beautiful podium,

Designed for me here on my tod –

No-one regards me with odium;

Everyone thinks I am God.


‘Bad apples abound in good orchards;

I can’t keep a tab on each worm,

But I will look suitably tortured –

And thanks for renewing my term.


‘I’d say you were terribly clever,

But my palm must be suitably greased.

It just isn’t worth my endeavour.

Oh say seven million at least.


‘This is a beautiful game,

As bribery should be. What matter?

I needn’t shoulder your blame –

You know what I think of you? Blatter.’



Sweet FIFA

Sepp Blatter’s acceptance speech, after being elected to a fifth term, despite seven colleagues being arrested for corruption:

I thank you that you have accepted me for the next four years. I will be in command of this boat called FIFA. We will bring it back, we will bring it back offshore and bring it back to the beach... beach soccer can be played anywhere. We have to work on that... I take the responsibility to bring back FIFA. I'm convinced we can do it. I was thinking, it was in meditation. I am a faithful man, God, Allah or whatever it is, the spirit in the vote, they will help us bring back FIFA to where it should be… I like you, I like my job. I am not perfect. Nobody is perfect. But we will do a good job together, I'm sure. I thank you so much for the confidence, together we go. Let's go FIFA! Let's go FIFA! Thank you, thank you so much.

3 June 2015


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