the weekly

Unhappy Hour

1. These are your last orders.

2. Do not be rum punch, or slur
the words of beloved leader. No, sir.

3. Think before you drink before you
drive home in the wrong gear: here
be as tight as a tiddler's dram.

4. Cocktails are lethal: do not breathe
a whisper of wallbangers, or swivel
your tongues. A pint of warm drivel,
none of the hard stuff. Enough.

5. Drink to me only
with your ayes.

6. No chasers, no facers, and never
flesh the press with your trousers down.

7. Do not beg for credit as
a reversal often offends, your shout,
sit on the back bench, don't mention it,
what's your poison, mine's a policy.

8. Here's a good one for the road,
I'm loaded, down the hatch plot what
officer I'm still standing I'm in
the pink gin. Sic.

Unhappy Hour
“Happy hours” are to be banned in an effort to combat binge drinking. The Conservative leader faced a stormy meeting of his MPs, when he outlined a declaration new Tory candidates would have to sign. Its 15 points included one stating that a candidate could be dropped because of causing “embarrassing media coverage”.
25 May 2005


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