the weekly

Fifty Shades

If DIY is not enough

If you’re one who simply longs

To go right at it (hammer, tongs)

If you’re never off-the-cuff


If you want to take some pains

If you are the sort who hopes

To try your hand with ties and ropes

If your job requires chains


If you’d like a willow wand –

Perhaps you have a job that screams

“Hang me from some wooden beams” –

If you need some UniBond


If you need some special tackle

Say a heavy duty bender

Or some solder, just to mend a

Power tool or dodgy shackle


If you need a special job

Glue gun in a special holster

Or a Spear and Jackson bolster

If you want a moulded knob


A clamp and spreader, or a shifter?

An airer with an extra arm?

A pressure gauge? A smoke alarm?

Perhaps a double suction lifter?


Step this way, I beg you please

The plugging chisel’s just for you

On Wednesday, here at B & Q

There’s special rates for OAPs



Click here for a Guardian article


Click here to buy a copy of Bill’s poetry collection Ringers


Click here for Bill’s New Statesman research project







Fifty Shades


B & Q staff have been sent a memo warning that they may face new questions after the film Fifty Shades Of Grey is released this weekend. A B&Q spokesman said: “B&Q remains committed to serving our customers in all their DIY needs and we strive to prepare our staff for any inquiry. Customer satisfaction is always our number one priority.”

With apologies to the B & Q catalogue.


February 11 2015


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