the weekly


I had a tummy ulcer

And they put me in the san

But at least I had a pulse sir

As I told the national gran


I said How Private Are Your Thoughts!

I Will Never Breathe A Word!

But according to reports

I’ve been caught out. Yes, she purred


When I rang her private palace

To say we’d kept the Scots

I was feeling cool and callous

But today I called the shots


It doesn’t get much better

Than to tell a nation’s treasure

That she has to be your debtor

And to know you give her pleasure


By cunning intervention

(As I said to Mrs Q)

I have stemmed my PM tension

She said Jolly Good For You


But someone’s let my cat out

Someone’s spilled the beans

Perhaps they’ll get the bat out

For my next chat at The Queen’s


Oh biff and bang and golly

Blotting paper down my shorts

I expect she’ll talk of folly

In my end-of term reports


But Ma’am, I’ll be complaining

As I bend across her couch

I do not deserve a caning

And I saved the Union. Ouch!




Click here to buy Bill’s poetry collection Ringers


Click here to follow Bill’s New Statesman research


Click here for a BBC story




David Cameron has been filmed breaking all known protocols by saying the Queen ‘purred’ when he told her that the Union had been saved. He also said the pollsters had given him stomach ulcers and told New York’s former mayor that “the definition of relief is being the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and ringing the Queen and saying 'It's alright, it's okay'. That was something."


With thanks to Catherine Lee for the title

24 September 2014


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