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To The Rescue

As fat as a panda and fit as a flea,

Boris María arrives at the club,

To save us, United, from ig-no-min-y,

Like a barrel of Best turning up at a pub

Where the furniture’s rickety, bar is awash.

There’s mould on the punters, fur in the pipes,

Perfect for Latin types talking up tosh,

Ripe for some Bunters to come out with ‘Cripes!’


Ángel di Johnson, a kicker supreme,

Has come to the auction to put in a bid,

To put fire and foolery into the team,

To follow the dream that he’s had as a kid –

To make it a gastronaut’s dream of success,

With seats at the tables for anyone rich,

To clear out the stables and clean up the mess,

To keep any locals away from the pitch.


Ten years will fly by as he heads for the goal,

As he rolls down the wing, and punts in a cross,

But the whole shebang’s headed down one giant hole,

And the name of the game that he plays is Dead Loss.

The pub will be shut, and the beer taste of turps,

And darts will be banned after dodgy behaviour –

Until then let us cheer on a right pair of twerps,

And credit them both with becoming Our Saviour.



Click here for a Guardian story

Click here for a BBC story


Click here to buy a copy of Bill’s poetry collection Ringers

Click here for Bill’s New Statesman research project









To The Rescue

Ángel di María signed for Manchester United for a record £59.7 million. Manchester Unbited were promptly beaten 4-0 by Milton Keynes. Boris Johnson is to seek the seat of Uxbridge and South Ruislip at next year’s general election.

27 August 2014


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