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Boris Bikes Back

I’ve always said I need my stars

To play upon the pitch –

When on the bench or in the bars,

They only bark and bitch:

I want them in my private clubs,

Not spending time as super-subs.


Boris? What a man of morals,

Of Greek and also Latin,

Not the sort to spark off quarrels,

Nor crave the seat I’m sat in –

He’s good TV, a blue-blood gent.

I’d love him back in Parliament.


Let him fill the leather seats

And shake his ash-blonde mane –

Read my football-reference tweets –

He’s Gazza, he’s my Wayne.

He’s the Tory party’s mascot,

As pure as Ladies’ Day at Ascot.


It doesn’t matter he’ll be paid

Two whacking salaries –

It’s worth it for his wise old head

To shoot the Tory breeze.

He is my striker, centre, goalie,

A player folk consider holy.


Boris is a mere buffoon?

An idiot? And a clown?

You’ll earn yourself a wooden spoon

To run dear Boris down.

[Enough. Please let more laughing gas in.

And hire me your best assassin.]



Click here for a Guardian article

Click here for Bill’s New Statesman research

Click here to buy Bill’s poetry collection, Ringers:





Boris Bikes Back

Boris Johnson said he would try to stand for Parliament next year, while remaining London’s Mayor till 2016. David Cameron tweeted “Great news that Boris plans to stand at next year's general election - I've always said I want my star players on the pitch.”

6 August 2014


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