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If you have a lion cub
Peckish for a piece of meat
And you’re short of proper grub
Give it fresh giraffe to eat
If your chickens lay no eggs
When you’re ready with the box
Take them down some proper pegs
Feed them to a passing fox
If your puppies run amok
With the Andrex or a ball
Toss them lightly in a wok
And flog them from a burger stall
If the elderly, infirm
Clog your sitting room or lawn
Slice them for a pachyderm
Or shred them into pseudo-Quorn
Should your children or your wife
Be surplus to your chosen style
Decapitate them with a knife
And chop them for a crocodile
If you are in charge of flood
Fetch some ploughs and forks and sickles
And pour some wasted pints of blood
Down the maw of Eric Pickles
Lastly, if you own a zoo
With excess flocks or packs or herds
Blend yourself into a goo
And fill the bellies of the birds
Click here for an Independent story
Click here to buy a copy of Bill’s poetry collection Ringers
Click here for Bill’s New Statesman research project
