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A Manifesto Against Being Thought French, or Hollandaise Sauce

I am the Scottish president,
A man of moral compass,
I am not foreign. In my sporran
There’s no private rumpus.

Now I am independent,
Have ditched the Union Jack,
My upper lip is still top-tip.
I fear no moral flak.

And yes I’ve heard of Francois,
Who makes me lose no snoozes.
The Royal Mile’s restrained in style.
We don’t go in for floozies.

The Scottish revolution
Will turn a perfect circle –
No rattling sabre, well-tossed caber –
We look to Mrs. Merkel.

We gaze across at Europe,
And skirl and highland-dance,
We’re all bare knees, but, if you please,
We’re not at all like France.

No mistress in Midlothian,
No lover in Tiree,
No private man at Prestonpans –
We’re pure in loch and quay.

We are not like the English,
Still less the shameless French:
Beneath the kilt, we are well-built
But know which parts to clench.

So when you cross our border,
We hope you’ll have examined
The great and good at Holyrood.
Sincerely, Alex Salmond.

Click here for a BBC report on Hollande

Click here for an Independent story from the independence campaign


Click here to buy Bill’s poetry collection Ringers

Click here to follow Bill’s New Statesman research

A Manifesto Against Being Thought French, or Hollandaise Sauce

Burns night approaches (25th January). So does the independence referendum in Scotland, in which the first shots have been fired (18th September). The president of France, a former English colony – Francois Hollande – was alleged to have had an affair with an actress, one that had sent his ‘First Girlfriend’ into hospital for depression. Hollande has some form in this department, but it would seem that the French, who don’t like him much, don’t worry about such things. (P.S. this story is a fiction in that the idea is that the Queen’s family would remain ‘in charge’ in the event of Scots independence, even if they have been notoriously exempt from charges of philandering …)

15 January 2014


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