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The Mirror Crack'd

I am as British as bilberry pie
I sleep through my British nights snugly
I drink all my beer, am addicted to fry
Look at my mug: I’m plug ugly

The Queen has my word, my devotion and duty,
My salute to the Union Jack
Like her I’m bereft of all physical beauty
I look as sad as a sack  

English or Irish or Welsh, (not the Scots),
I have some horrible features,
Complexion is poor, it’s more than the spots:
Sour cream and some addled old peaches

No good you telling me that I should ‘chin up’,
For I’m plain as the nose on my face,
Never a poster boy, never a pin-up,
Lacking style, lacking looks, lacking grace

My appearance is merely a horrible folly
And my smiling as crooked as Gove’s,
With a sneer on my lip, and each ear a cauli,
And my eyes like a couple of cloves

But the Scots … well, they’re off, and they’re utterly dashing,
And they’re gorgeous both Celtly and Pictly.
Good luck to them all. Aye, you look smashing.
That’s the reason you’ll never miss Strictly

Click here for an Independent article

Click here for an Irish article on the Scots referendum

Click here to buy Bill’s poetry collection Ringers

Click here to follow Bill’s New Statesman research


The Mirror Crack'd

The United Kingdom was considered to contain the least attractive people in the world by an international dating site. The SNP, which launched their manifesto to be independent, reassured the Scots that they would still be able to tune into Strictly Come Dancing. The referendum is as good as won.

27 November 2013


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