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No-one can hear me scream

Once I was a newt (I was a scaly ’un)
Who basked or loosed a sudden burst of tongue;
Once I used the language of Disraeli and
My verbal traps were very neatly sprung,
But now I have to face it. I’m an alien:
And back to outer space I should be flung –

It’s very paradoxical, but I believe
That those who come from elsewhere should return:
So seeing as my body’s like a semi-breve,
My mouth is set in one gigantic gurn,
With bright blue skin to which the leeches cleave,
It follows I’m a case for my concern.

Yes, as I have ten nostrils, and they pucker,
And I need to swallow slime to breathe or live,
And from my head there pops a mutant yucca,
And horrors colonise my nether sieve,
And everyone remarks upon my sucker,
I am bad luck. I am Conservative.

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No-one can hear me scream

Nick Boles MP, a junior planning minister in the government, has suggested that Tories need to convince voters that they are not aliens from another planet.

20 November 2013


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