the weekly


I’m glad we killed Bin Laden
I think that we were clever
We took the plunge. Victoria sponge
Will henceforth last for ever

You know how cakes grow mouldy
Or how they clag or harden
But now they’ll last while years go past
And thanks to O. Bin Laden

Here in the West we value
Life’s sanctity itself
But now we’ll bake – it’s a piece of cake –
For long stay on the shelf

And thank you to Al-Qaeda
For saving so much filling
A thermal pic will keep sponge spick –
It justifies the killing

We’ve wanted to eat stay-fresh cake
Since each was just a stripling
A cupcake’s thanks that they weren’t blanks
Three cheers from Mr. Kipling

War is horrid, horrid stuff
But rotting cake’s a drama
Who’d dare to scoff when cake’s gone off
Respect to you, Obama

Click here for The Guardian article

Click here to buy Bill’s poetry collection Ringers

Click here to follow Bill’s New Statesman research


“Strathclyde University has been awarded a grant to examine how the imaging used on the helicopters that surrounded Bin Laden's Pakistan compound in 2011 might be used to perfect cupcakes, Victoria sponges” – The Guardian

19 June 2013


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