I Have Not Slept With Tiger Woods
I have not slept with Tiger Woods
I did not swing upon his fairway
And I am not his damaged goods
Have it your way, have it their way
I did not bunk with Ant and Dec
I did not give them tucker trials
They may have cheek, and also neck
But as for me, I'm all denials
I did not flirt with Tony Blair
Nor hunt for mass bugs in his bedding
Nor look for lice, find nothing there
That is merely rumour-spreading
I never chummed with Ringo Starr
I never drummed him or his hi-hat
I don't know where his spare skins are
What you've heard is merely my hat
I haven't had Pete Doherty
Nor snatched him from the slender Moss-hip
I can't sing either, I agree
The rest is very idle gossip
But mainly, all you scandal-queens
With your 'Admit-it-yes-you-should's
Whether in the rough or on the greens
I have not slept with Tiger Woods
