the weekly

Be Prepared

If you're about to be burgled,
To be victim to good honest theft,
Make sure there's a bottle
You've gargled and gurgled
Beforehand - esnure nothing's left.

If you're about to be battered
By crack-headed hoodies, for gain,
Get ahead of the game,
Get rat-arsed and shattered
On a case of Veuve-Clicquot champagne.

If you suspect you'll be pulped
Within inches of kicking the pail
Make BH less Grievous:
Make sure that you've gulped
Four quarts or six litres of ale.

And if you're about to be murdered
By knife or by rifle or punch
In cold blood - then
Get your loins girded
And indulge in a long liquid lunch.

But if you think rapists are very
Prepared to do vicious assault,
Abstain, be teetotal -
Not even a sherry -
Or else it'll all be Your Fault.

Click here for The Guardian news story

Be Prepared

'Rape victims seeking compensation are having their payouts reduced if they had been drinking before they were attacked.'

13 August 2008


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