If you're about to be burgled,
To be victim to good honest theft,
Make sure there's a bottle
You've gargled and gurgled
Beforehand - esnure nothing's left.
If you're about to be battered
By crack-headed hoodies, for gain,
Get ahead of the game,
Get rat-arsed and shattered
On a case of Veuve-Clicquot champagne.
If you suspect you'll be pulped
Within inches of kicking the pail
Make BH less Grievous:
Make sure that you've gulped
Four quarts or six litres of ale.
And if you're about to be murdered
By knife or by rifle or punch
In cold blood - then
Get your loins girded
And indulge in a long liquid lunch.
But if you think rapists are very
Prepared to do vicious assault,
Abstain, be teetotal -
Not even a sherry -
Or else it'll all be Your Fault.