How To Be Happy
Of course it is debatable
If life is cruel and vile –
All figures are inflatable,
Unless you have my style:
No hair on my chest, no flashy mustachios,
Oh I'm testosterone-free;
My brains aren't kept in two giant pistachios,
So no credit-crunching for me –
No Top Gear, dear, not beerily amorous,
No Loaded, no Nuts and no Heat:
Just plenty of laptops and digital cameras.
I think the recession is sweet.
No lead in my pencil, no luxury laddie-car:
Speed is a turn-off, a bore.
I may down a bottle of Smirnoff or Vladivar
While juggling two iPods or more.
I don't beat my breast like King Kong or a Viking,
Or blast the fast lane of M1 –
But knock back the Cossack whenever I'm biking –
The cost of my living is fun.
And yes, I may dismount to take in some shopping
On very cheap frocks and on shoes –
They're all at a discount, and prices are dropping.
Seems like I win while you lose.
Of course it is debatable
And many men are snarling –
All figures are inflatable,
But Alistair's my Darling.
