the weekly

Citizen Brit

I am the very model of a very modern Britisher,
But wish to swear allegiance as I know that I am pretty sure
I'm neither Geordie, Celtic nor a Cockney nor Mancunian:
I am a loyal servant of the Greater British Union.

I bow before Elizabeth, regalia and sash an' all,
Because her orb and sceptre mean I am a British National:
At school I pass certificates and always gain a solid A –
Because I want a discount and I need an extra holiday.

I'm not as pure as Paisley (I.), the champion of thunder-rants,
But wear my Union Jack with pride (I'm talking of my underpants),
That Annigoni pic is on a fob, that is upon a key,
Because I am a patriot and mad about the monarchy.

By Betjeman and Beckham, and by Kipling cakes and Mother's Pride,
I always root for Britain and I never see the other side:
I wave the flag and rag the French with absolute impunity
And binge-drink when I am abroad at any opportunity.

I hate the Yanks, and spit upon a KFC or Wimpy ad,
And think the Chinese should not host a World Cup or Olympiad,
Because I am Britisher. Who cares where other regions are?
I swear an oath! F***! That is my allegiance, sah!

Click here for the story in The Guardian.

Citizen Brit

Former attorney-general Lord Goldsmith completed his review of citizenship. Its proposals include a) a British National Day from 2012, apparently to coincide with the Olympics, and the Queen's diamond jubilee [a bit previous. Ed.], b) all school-leavers swearing an oath of allegiance to the crown, and c) council tax discounts for voluntary workers in schools and elsewhere. Hmmm.

with apologies to W.S. Gilbert

12 March 2008


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