I am the very model of a very modern Britisher,
But wish to swear allegiance as I know that I am pretty sure
I'm neither Geordie, Celtic nor a Cockney nor Mancunian:
I am a loyal servant of the Greater British Union.
I bow before Elizabeth, regalia and sash an' all,
Because her orb and sceptre mean I am a British National:
At school I pass certificates and always gain a solid A –
Because I want a discount and I need an extra holiday.
I'm not as pure as Paisley (I.), the champion of thunder-rants,
But wear my Union Jack with pride (I'm talking of my underpants),
That Annigoni pic is on a fob, that is upon a key,
Because I am a patriot and mad about the monarchy.
By Betjeman and Beckham, and by Kipling cakes and Mother's Pride,
I always root for Britain and I never see the other side:
I wave the flag and rag the French with absolute impunity
And binge-drink when I am abroad at any opportunity.
I hate the Yanks, and spit upon a KFC or Wimpy ad,
And think the Chinese should not host a World Cup or Olympiad,
Because I am Britisher. Who cares where other regions are?
I swear an oath! F***! That is my allegiance, sah!